Ich bin Rina

Ich bin Karin. 33 Jahre lang war ich ein Einzelkind, manchmal fühlte ich mich einsam, traurig und wusste nicht warum. Etwas hat gefehlt, irgend etwas „war nicht richtig, nicht an seinem Platz“. Es ist schwierig dieses Gefühl zu beschreiben, schwierig zu erklären wie ich das gefühlt habe. Seit ich denken kann, habe ich mir einen Bruder gewünscht, der Wunsch war so stark, dass es manchmal weh tat.
Es gab viele Momente wo ich mich mehr wie ein Junge fühlte, lieber Spiele und Beschäftigungen „für Jungs“ mochte etc und später gab es manchmal so was wie ein „Gedankenblitz“ und ich hatte das Gefühl jemanden in der Welt vertreten zu müssen.
Aber warum?
Und wen?
Seit dem 3. Juli 2010 weiss ich, ich war kein Einzelkind, ich hätte nicht nur Geschwister, sondern ich hatte einen Zwillingsbruder. Ich habe einen Bruder!
Mancher würde jetzt sicher denken „nun hat die Karin echt einen Knacks“ - aber nein, es ist tatsächlich die Wahrheit.
Wissenschaftler haben herausgefunden, dass viele Schwangerschaften als Mehrlings-Schwangerschaften beginnen. Das heisst, dass sich ganz am Anfang der Schwangerschaft, zwei oder mehrere Embryos in der Gebärmutter befinden. Über den Prozentsatz der Häufigkeit dieses Phänomens gibt es verschiedene Ansichten, die Zahlen pendeln zwischen 20 – 80 % aller Schwangerschaften. Das bedeutet, dass viele Menschen eigentlich als Zwilling, oder Mehrling entstanden sind, aber oftmals eben das zweite, dritte oder vierte Embryo stirbt und das meist bevor es auf einem Ultraschallbild überhaupt gesehen werden könnte.
Warum manche Embryos absterben, möglicherweise aus körpereigenem Schutz, da vielleicht sonst beide Kinder gefährdet wären oder anderes. Meist merkt auch niemand, wenn ein Embryo stirbt, die Mutter muss das nicht unbedingt bemerken, aber das oder die anderen Embryos schon.
Ich weiss, das tönt alles nach Science Fiction, aber es ist Realtität und es ist genauso Realität dass dieser vorgeburtliche Verlust den überbleibenden Zwilling prägt. Die Verbindung zum Zwilling ist intensiver als die zu der Mutter, der Zwilling ist naher und von Anfang an dabei. Der Herzschlag wird gehört, die Gegenwart gespürt – wenn dann plötzlich das Gegenüber nicht mehr da ist, hinterlässt das ganz logischerweise Spuren. Nach der Geburt kann man sich vielleicht lange nicht mehr bewusst an den Zwilling/Drilling etc erinnern, aber im Unterbewusstsein fehlt er und das beeinflusst das ganze Leben.
Anhand von Fotos aus meiner Kindheit bin ich meiner Vergangenheit auf die Spur gegangen. Auf vielen Fotos sehe ich sehr jungenhaft aus, viele Situationen fallen mir wieder ein und bei einzelnen Bildern ist es, als würde ich meinem Zwilling in die Augen schauen. Zudem habe ich mit Hinweisen einer Freundin entdeckt, dass ich auf Fotos wo ich zu zweit mit einer Freundin abgebildet bin, oder mit einem Cousin etc viel glücklicher wirke als auf Fotos wo nur ich zu sehen bin. Ausserdem ist mir wieder bewusst geworden, wie alleine ich mich manchmal in den Ferien "nur" mit den Eltern gefühlt habe und wie glücklich ich in Frankreich-Ferien gewesen bin in denen eine Schulfreundin mitkommen durfte. Beim objektiven Betrachten dieser Freundschaftsbeziehungen fiel mir plötzlich auf, dass ich dort immer mehr "die männliche Seite" war und das brachte mich auf eine Idee.
Um dem Unterbewusstsein zu helfen, alles ans Tageslicht zu bringen, habe ich einige Fotomontagen gemacht, gerne lasse ich euch daran teilhaben, in der Hoffnung dass sie anderen Menschen helfen, allenfalls ihrer eigenen Vergangenheit auf die Spur zu kommen.
Eigentlich bin auf beiden Fotos ich und beide Aufnahmen wurden am selben Tag und in derselben Stunde gemacht, aber auf dem linken sehe ich aus wie ein Mädchen und auf dem rechten Bild könnte ich fast ein Junge sein. Als ich diese beiden Bilder zum ersten Mal so nebeneinander gelegt habe (und das rechte spiegelverkehrt), war es als würde etwas hervorgekommen was lange verschüttet gewesen war. Mein Herz tat in diesem Moment so weh, Tränen liefen mir herunter und es war als würde es mich zerreissen. Nein, ich brauche keinen „Beweis“, ich wusste in diesem Moment mit absoluter Sicherheit dass ich einen Zwillingsbruder gehabt habe.
Diesen Moment werde ich in meinem Leben nie vergeessen. Einerseits war ich unendlich traurig, anderseits wusste ich endlich woher all die Gefühle kamen, das Gefühl jemanden vertreten zu müssen, das Gefühl das etwas fehlt, das Gefühl dass es mich innerlich zerreisst manchmal und ich nie wusste warum.

Also habe ich fortgefahren mit dieser Bilderbearbeitung und habe noch 2 weitere „Zwillingsbilder“ erstellt. Das geht mit einem Foto und einer spiegelverkehrten Kopie, oder mit zwei Bildern die in derselben Umgebung aufgenommen wurden am besten.
Eines der Fotos zeigte ursprünglich mich und die damalige Schulfreundin in den erwähnten Frankreich-Ferien. Ich habe das Bild nun bearbeitet. So hätte es aussehen können, wenn mein Bruder noch leben würde.


Nein, meine Reise in die Vergangenheit und das verarbeiten all der neuen Gefühle ist noch lange nicht zu Ende. Es braucht seine Zeit, braucht viel Kraft, zu verarbeiten dass jemand da war und man ihn aber verloren hat, er nie wieder da sein wird. Es tut weh, aber ich versuche immer an die Vorstellung vom Paradies zu denken und daran, dass wir uns dort wiedertreffen werden.
Aber im Moment mag ich noch nicht loslassen, ich habe meinen Zwillingsbruder doch gerade erst gefunden! Willkommen Bruderherz!


Wer mehr über mich wissen möchte, darf mich gerne kontaktieren.

A modern perspective on womb twin survivors.

One of our members, Lynda Haddon, wrote this article about my recent book which deals with a womb twin survivor. I thought other members might benefit from what she says from an even more modern perspective than I'd ever considered.

"There is a life before life that most often goes unrecorded and even unrecognized in the human journey. It is life in the womb; a space for incubation often treated as a pre-history of no special consequence to the life narrative that follows. As technology has sharpened our gaze into this ambiotic existence, human experience has been irrevocably altered. Such gains in insight can also create losses, unexpected twists and turns of ante-natal life that can carry great significance.

A woman, pregnant, seeing her first ultrasound image can see the outline of two babies. Then, a follow-up appointment, a second ultrasound, and the twin has vanished. A precious child is gone, a sibling lost, and so is a unique parenting experience.

The fate of the Vanishing Twin remains enigmatic. Was it an apparition, an aberration of imaging, or a legitimate loss, a being leaving no trace of its existence apart from a searing image in its mother’s and often its womb-mate’s mind?

It is not uncommon for people, seemingly ignorant of this ‘loss’ to develop fantasies about “being with someone else,” or needing to live their lives for two. Is it a personal memory of womb life or an intuition of an unexpressed part of their mother’s mind?  

If told later in life about the loss, there are often feelings of relief at not being “crazy” but sometimes too, anger and distress at not being told all along. 

Sylvia Dickey Smith‘s novel. A WAR OF HER OWN makes an important contribution to womb-twin survivors by raising awareness of this phenomenon and educating others as to what can be its long-term possible emotional effects.

“…..I used to feel guilty for being alive,” observed one survivor who lost her 

womb-mate early in her mother’s pregnancy, “I thought my parents hated me because I was not it……I often feel very alone and low.”

We know that multiples (twins, triplets etc) are aware of each other in utero. Hence, when womb-mates fail to survive, a rent in the fabric of identity can be the result for the womb-twin survivor. Being with another at this formative stage of life can surely leave a lasting impression with reverberating impact. How to grieve a life that in many ways wasn’t? How to mourn a Vanishing Twin when there is no one to validate its life? Here, we have a baby of technology, an image on a photo, a welcome addition whose existence remains un-named.

New technologies are also creating new losses that society has yet to fully 

acknowledge. The culling of fetuses following in vitro implantation when too many take hold is a prime example. A necessary step to improve the chances of survival of the other babies, it can nonetheless complicate post-natal life for parents and for those babies who survive. A major hurdle is that a loss must be recognized before it can be grieved. Such losses, therefore, can pass under the radar of what society views as a legitimate loss. A loss unnamed, of course, is not necessarily a loss unrecognized at a deeper emotional level.

Lynda Haddon

Multiple Birth Educator

Multiple Birth:  Prenatal Education & Bereavement Support

www.multiplebirthsfamilies.com

Recipient of a Community Builder's Award from United Way for her work in the multiple birth community and with the Ottawa Coalition for the Prevention of Low Birth Weight.  Recipient of two Awards from Multiple Births Canada for her work both nationally and internationally.

Althea Interviews Sylvia About Her Historical Fiction of a Wombtwin Survivor

Althea and I (Sylvia) did an interview recently about my latest book just out called A War Of Her Own the story of a young woman during WWII who is a womb twin survivor. Although fiction, this story is loosely based on my mother and her family during that time period. I asked for the privilege of posting the interview here in case the story might strike a chord with our blog readers.

Althea:  Hallo Sylvia.  I am delighted to see that you have included a womb twin survivor in your novel. As someone who works with womb twin survivors I am always pleased when someone mentions it. How did this idea come to you?

Sylvia: Hi, Althea, and thank you for allowing me to talk about my newest book A War Of Her Own.  I do believe this story will speak to womb twin survivors—it spoke to me, and I am one, too! Actually, the writing of the work greatly facilitated my healing.

A War Of Her Own is set in my hometown of Orange, Texas. For those of you who don’t know Texas, Orange is just a few miles from the Gulf of Mexico—where hurricanes are want to blow and mosquitoes—lots of mosquitoes—grow as big as dragonflies. Not really, but at times they seem like they're that big, but a lot more ferocious. The Sabine River separates Orange, Texas from southwest Louisiana—Cajun country.

A War Of Her Own is set during a fascinating period—World War II, when the small town’s population exploded 700% almost overnight when local shipyards gained contracts with the Department of Defense to build warships such as destroyers, destroyer escorts, landing craft, tugboats and the like. 

People still suffering the backlash of the Great Depression flooded the town for the jobs there, now for the taking. Soon, all hell broke loose. Society and culture changed right before people’s eyes. Women took jobs previously performed by men--and did them well! Many families slept in rented “hotbeds”—beds still warm from the body of the person who just arose and went to work at shipyards working around the clock. War housing was built over night on river sand pumped in from the river bottom.

Before I started the book, I knew it would be a story told through the eyes of a woman. The title, A War Of Her Own came to me before the plot. The rest of the story unfolded as I wrote the first draft.

Althea: Did you imagine one of your characters as a womb twin survivor right at the start or did it kind of creep up on you as an idea?

Sylvia: It crept up on me. I’ve always been fascinated with that period of history, particularly the effects it had on my hometown and my family. My parents lived in Orange during that time period and I remember so many stories I’ve heard over the years about what life was like. I’d tuck those ideas away, pull them out and work on the project for a while. Then I’d stall over the hook and put it aside. I knew my character, I knew my setting, but I didn’t know why she was so sad. Many stories revolve around family secrets, but I didn’t know hers. Then several elements in my life clicked and the whole idea of writing a story about a womb twin survivor cemented itself in my psyche. I picked up the story again and didn’t stop until I completed it.

Althea: Fascinating. Now do you think that (your main character) was molded by this early experience in any way?

Sylvia: Oh, absolutely. I think that because I believe I am a womb twin survivor. I was born many years before there was such a thing as ultra-sound. However, I spent many years crying myself to sleep at night, feeling like I lived in a half-empty womb—a womb both a graveyard and a birthing chamber.

Then, several years ago I stumbled on your website and recalled hearing my mother talk about one day during the early stages of her pregnancy with me. She stood at her ironing board ironing when a gush of blood poured down her legs and into her shoes. Another day, my sister told of once when she, Dad and Mom went to a local carnival and as soon as they stepped onto the fairway, blood again started pouring down Mom’s legs and they had to go home. Both times, my mother thought she had miscarried. Either that, or her period had just been late. She did not go to a doctor, which was common in those days. Later, she realized she was still pregnant.

When I learned about womb twin survivors, my life fit the model. I knew then why I had always felt the way I had. I was a surviving twin—or triplet. When I told my older sister, it rang true with her. (She remembered all those nights when she lay beside me while I cried, feeling so unlovable.)

Althea: Did you have to do much research to make sure you got it right or did you draw your ideas from your personal experience of being a womb twin survivor yourself?

Sylvia: Yes and no. My research about womb twin survivors is told from personal experience, confirmed by what I’ve learned from you and other websites on the topic. My research included the historical aspect of the era. What it was like for women who went to work as a riveter. For the symptoms of the womb twin survivor, I worked from personal experience. I know there is much more to the effects of being a womb twin survivor—much more than my experience. But I wanted to keep this simple and clear as an introduction to the subject. I know many people have never heard of it, and many could benefit from an introduction. Nice, slow and easy. I also wanted to show how insidious the syndrome can be and how it can effect our lives in subtle, yet still overpowering ways that end up making us dysfunctional without realizing the grief we carry--sometimes at an unconscious level.

Althea: Now that you have started on this topic do you have any ideas for further stories that may involve womb twin survivors?

Sylvia: Actually, a fan suggested I continue with this story, making it a series. The suggestion was to write the next step in Bea’s life—A Life Of Her Own and the third, A Love of Her Own. Who knows? Depends on my muse. I do know this topic will continue to grow. I have been encouraged by those who read the advance reading copies, and of their interest in the topic. My hope is this tale opens up the subject for common discussion. It is a syndrome that impacts our lives more than many realize. Hopefully WT members will read this work and learn from it, and refer the book to others.

Also, Althea, because of my commitment to Womb Twin Survivors and the work your organization does to help other, for every book sold through Womb Twin connections, I will make a $1.00 donation to the organization. All a buyer need do is to let me know when and where they purchased the book. I can be reached at sylvia@sylviadickeysmith.com. 

The book is available or can be ordered online and brick and mortar bookstore. Folks with a U.S. shipping address can order an autographed copy of the book for my website at A War Of Her Own.

It is available on in the U.K. at  Amazon.com/uk 

And in Canada at: Amazon.com/ca

Althea: Thank you, Sylvia, for your generous contribution. We wish you good luck.

Sylvia: Thank you for letting me share a part of my healing journey here on the blog and for all your effort at helping others.

WombTwin.com Ltd

July 17th was the third birthday of WombTwin.com Ltd,  the non-profit organisation with members which  has initiated special support for womb twin survivors around the world.

A document telling the whole extraordinary story of the development of WombTwin.com  can be downloaded here.