The frigidity of the winter season has snuck up on us here in B.C.
The frozen blanket of the white stuff glistens by the light of the moon as the barometer plunges into minus double digits.
The beauty of the fresh fallen snow is almost reverent as it lends a clean, quiet tranquility to our surrroundings. As we gear up for the Season of giving and good cheer.
November is a month that has alot of milestones for me.
It is not only the month I was born (on the 20th and Michael, my twin was delivered).
It is also the anniversary of my last cancer treatment, November 18, 24 years ago.
I was a mere 17 yr old when diagnosed with stage 3b Hodgekin's Disease.
Against the odds, it took 2 years, 4 treatments, and a multitude of surgeries to bring me back to the land of the living.
Like clock work, though, starting the week before, I find myself down right melancholy.
Still, 44 years later I find myself sad, bordering on depressed.
I have alot to be happy about.
My story IS somewhat of a miracle...
Yet, I find myself closing off to people in my life.
I isolate myself and am sometimes snarky towards my family.
I struggle to let people 'in'.
I am learning more and more about being the sole survivor of a multiple birth,
I try to be more sensitive to the signs.
So I can do my best to make the necessary adjustments.
These built in warnings I've learned are my body's way to let me know someone very important in my life is gone.
I was once deadened to these warnings.
Thanks to this site, my awareness and understanding has grown.
As I get older and my journey in this life continues, my heart becomes more open to acknowledging my earliest experiences.
Most importantly the person who shared the most intimate relationship I have ever had,
my 'womb mate'.
My twin, Michael leaves an impact on me, to this day.
I don't expect it will ever change.
Maybe the experience will become a less painful as I continue my journey of survival.
Along with my awareness on how much I have been affected by his loss.
What I know for certian, is that the more I validate my brother, and his impact on my life.
The easier his absence from my life becomes.
I also know we need to validate ourselves as the twinless twins we are.
It is the only way we can find the road to recovery.
Even if we never got the chance to share that twin bond outside the womb.
We are still twins inside our hearts.
Live In Peace and Peace Will Live In You!
Well done, you have made it into the difficult time of the year form you, with your heart and mind open to healing. I wonder: what would Michael say to you today? It can be an interesting exercise to imagine a conversation with him. Some people write a letter from their lost twin. Sounds crazy but it may help.
ReplyDeleteHow about making a lovely memorial to Michael? There is a link on the wombtwin web site, take a look.
Remember you are not alone in this, we are all walking together down the healing path, caring for each other in deep empathy and understanding.
Althea