I am so pleased to join Womb Twin Survivors from around the world. A little bit on my story.I was born, 6 weeks premature in 1966. Growing up, I was told I was smaller than a pound of butter. However, the fact that I had a twin that died 5 months ingestation was kept from me . It was a huge family secret hushed when I walked in the room. For my whole childhood, I knew different. I knew I was different, there was something that set me apart from everyone else. I knew that someone was missing. I always felt incomplete, and that is one thing that has not changed in my life. I still feel incomplete. The only difference now, is that I understand why I feel that way. I was the other half of the whole that survived. I LIVED, MICHAEL DIDN'T! I would change places with Michael if I could. Don't get me wrong, I have a blessed life . I want to live, I have faced alot of adversity to get where I am now. I am a 23 yr. cancer survivor of stage 3b metastatic Hodgekin's Disease. I did die during the cancer battle and came back! The Doctors said I would not have kids due to all the treatment. I have not one but two beautiful daughters. In spite of all the odds, I'm still here to tell the tale. I should be on top of the world...
But, I feel sometimes, I don't deserve it. Even knowing all I have been through in this life, I still , deep down feel I should not be here.
I feel guilty for being the one who lived. This world somehow isn't right because my brother, Michael did not live. The other half of my whole isn't here, with me. Where he is supposed to be.
So I guess, I must do all I can, to make it through the dark days. To some how make my life count, plus two. Somehow to honour my brother and have him live on through all I do. It's a tall order, but with a little help, I'm up for the task. Until then, it's one foot in front of the other...that's how we get where we're going. One day at a time...Live in peace and peace will live in you...
This is a powerful, moving post. Thanks for your courage. One thing I remind myself of is that life --whether we have it or not--has nothing to do with deserving to live. In my mind, it seems to have much more to do with a higher contract entered into before this ife. So we just live and attend to that contract the best we can, day to day, year to year.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree about the contract before birth that we all agree to. We must all persevere and keep moving foreward in life. We take the bad with the good, one day at a time. I believe we are all brave and courageous heros in this life. We all have tramas that we endure and through the heat of it we are stronger for it. The deserving bit is survivors guilt that has been my lifetime companion. Only through this wombtwin survivors site, have I been able to identify the source of it.I also know that when you Live In Peace, Peace Will Live In You!
ReplyDeleteThere's more! There's the wombtwin.com site; the wombtwinsurvivors site; the other blogs; the facebook site; the books; the workshops; the free downloads, and of course the annual conference this year in the UK. Coming?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your twin Michael is very proud of you for doing your best here. You are a hearty survivor after all! I'm glad you are learning to feel less guilty and surrender to this thing called life so you can make him proud, and the rest of us too!
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